Top tips for parents to create a happy, calm home
Top tips for parents tocreate a happy, calm home
Like lots of parents with small children, I found parenting challenging...
...I wanted the children to be happy all the time, and was upset when they were angry, disappointed or sad. I could not understand it when they did not listen to me. I found having to make and keep boundaries difficult. I did not want to shout. I wanted to be calm and considerate at all times. The reality of parenting came as a big surprise. The intensity of emotions, both positive and negative, was overwhelming, the exhaustion and also the feeling of somehow repeating unhelpful patterns from previous generations. I did not want to become the critical parent, and pass on some of the family scripts from my upbringing. However, it is difficult not to repeat patterns like this, especially if you are under stress. I decided then to do a parenting course and luckily a friend was running a Parent Link course in her home, close to me.
This took me on a journey of discovery. Even though I had a psychology degree and was a nurse, I found I did not know the very simple skills that can make all the difference to parenting. I went on a mission to find out all I could, reading parenting books, training as a counsellor and then as a family therapist.
I became parenting trainer and set up the Empowering Parents Empowering Communities Programme, teaching parents to run parenting courses, such as Being a Parent, Living with Teenagers, and most recently Baby and Us. Each course responding to parents’ different needs as their children grow up.
It was only then that I felt ready to start writing a book based on all that I had learned, and what worked with children, over the years. The Parenting Toolkit then grew out of many years as parenting practitioner and family therapist meeting families going through difficult times with their children and adolescents and wanting help. In it, I drew together many of the ideas developed in my teaching to parents and professionals.
In the following article I will highlight just five of the skills which parents find useful and many others you can find in The Parenting Toolkit.
Acknowledging and accepting feelings
When parents acknowledge and accept the feelings of their children, the children no longer need to act them out. An example of this for a toddler might be that the child is having a tantrum because he wants to walk home the usual way. However, as a parent, you need to get home quickly, so saying something like
‘I know it’s very upsetting you can’t go home the way you want, I wish we could, but we have to get home early today.’
Because the child feels understood, he no longer needs to have a tantrum. Similar skills are helpful with older children.
‘I know it’s very frustrating you did not get the part in the play you wanted and you feel very disappointed,’
And then you offer something comforting.
Parents often tell me it is like magic how the anger or disappointment is regulated when it is named. The phrase “name the feeling to tame the feeling’ can be a handy reminder.
Understanding the meaning of the child’s behaviour
Understanding that children’s behaviour does not occur in a vacuum but is dependent on the need that they are trying to meet, is incredible useful when you can’t fathom why they are behaving in such a bizarre way. Even if the way the child is trying to meet that need is unacceptable, as a parent you can feel a bit more compassionate about it because you know the need is valid.
For example, a child making lots of noise when you are on the telephone because they want your attention. Another example is a child hitting her younger sister because she is taking Mummy’s attention and the child wants to feel secure and the centre of attention.
Challenging Behaviour
There is a way of challenging behaviour so that everyone feels respected by using a technique I call the 4–part message . It consists of saying what the problem is, how you feel about it , and the reason and then asks for help.
Here is an example,
When you
….drop your clothes on the floor in the hall after school
I feel… cross
Because.. the clothes get all dirty
How can you help me with this problem?
This is so much more respectful that using the carrot or stick approach (just rewards or sanctions) that can leave either the parent feeling like a door mat or the child feeling aggrieved.
With very young children you can start the sentence with “Help I have a problem can you help me” because children are so keen to help.
One lady who saw me had 3 boys under 5 and told me how she said to her boys
‘When you
walk into the kitchen with your boots on, I feel
upset, because
I have to clean the floor again, How can you help me
?
The little boys then all got a cloth and a dustpan and brush to try and clean up the mess. She was totally thrilled.
Descriptive Praise
The concept of descriptive praise is also a very useful tool to encourage children to behave in the way that you would like them to.
For example, saying to a child, ‘Thank you so much for picking up your toys and putting them back in the box, It makes the house look so nice’ is a great way of encouraging your child to tidy up after themselves. Or:
‘you sat playing with your baby brother when you wanted to play with your own toys, thank you for being so kind’ encourages the child to be caring to their younger sibling.
If you say to a child “good girl” or ‘you are brilliant’ it is not actually telling your child what you appreciate about their behaviour. Many parents who I have worked with tell me how once they started using this concept and so descriptively praised they child for brushing their teeth, closing the door behind them, being generous with their toys etc, that their child started to do these things much more frequently.
Child led play
Teaching parents how to do child led play can also be quite transformative.
If parents can give their child 10 minutes of child led play were the child is in control of the play the relationship between the child and adult is strengthened. The parents are truly witnessing their child and so the child feels validated for who they are.
The parents just describe what the child is doing, do not ask questions or make interpretations so the child is free to let their imagination roam. Many parents say how this is the first time they feel they are getting to know their child. Parents live such busy lives in can sometimes be hard to just find 10 minutes a day for this activity but it can have huge benefits.
One mother came to see me who was having great difficulties with her child who was being very defiant and refusing to eat what she was given or go to bed when asked. She felt it was like a battle ground. She then instigated child led play and her daughter’s behaviour changed dramatically because she was having this special time with her. Her daughter loved doing cutting and sticking activities and she would spend this 10 minutes creating extraordinary pictures with her mother just describing what she was doing. Their relationship became much warmer and the daughter stopped being so defiant.
Other skills covered in The Parenting Toolkit are communicating with children, positive discipline strategies, stress management for both parents and children, and many more.
I now look after my grandchildren one day a week and I am fascinated to see how useful these ideas still are in my new role. I would like all parents to have access to these skills and strategies. They can make parenting so much more fun, rewarding, and less fraught, and help parents nurture children who are happy, confident and able to be their own unique selves.